Emotional invalidation
Emotional invalidation
When your child comes to you with what might be perceived as an over-reaction or appears to be reacting to something in a way that you don’t agree with, it’s easy to get stuck in the trap of invalidating them. Invalidation is when we deny or get angry at a child’s emotions. It can often result in the child using even more intense emotional reactions, which creates a very destructive pattern indeed. Validating your child is to align yourself with your child’s response, allowing them to feel accepted and understood - without necessarily getting their own way.
There is plenty of evidence to say that constant invalidation in childhood can lead to the child being unable to express their emotions in healthy ways and in severe cases, even personality disorders. Feeling accepted by people, particularly parents, during childhood no matter what - and this includes the full range of emotions that we experience as humans - is crucial for children to learn how to self-regulate. This does not mean liking or agreeing with their behaviour and may feel counter-intuitive at first. It is simply trying to understand their emotions and see what is happening from their point of view - a basic human need that children are usually unaware of themselves that they need.
An example of invalidating response would be: “don’t make a big deal out of not being able to go to Sam’s to play, you should be grateful that you saw Sam at school all week”. But to turn this around into a validating statement, it would look something like this: “it’s frustrating for you that you can’t go to Sam’s to play. I can see that you’re very angry and upset with me”. They haven’t gotten their own way but they have been validated. Another example of invalidation: “Just get over it/move on/forget about not being invited to Alex’s birthday”. A more validating response would be “It really hurts doesn’t it. You wanted to be included and you feel really left out”.
In other words, sit with your child and try to see from their eyes rather than stomp them into the ground. If you need a few moments to think about your response, then do so. Validating your child will not breed “soft” kids - on the contrary, it will teach your child to own their emotions and react appropriately. A real gift for them that will help them now AND in adulthood.
Kathryn Wright
Counsellor
www.kathrynwright.co.nz