Self-kindness for the mindless
Most people know how to be kind to others. Most people know how to show at least a little empathy to others. Most people at least TRY to find comforting words or gestures when someone else is struggling. Why is it then, that we find it so hard to find these qualities for ourselves?
Self-compassion is exactly what compassion for another person is - except it is turned around back onto yourself. Self-compassion can be the antidote to so much of our personal suffering such as shame, blame, self-loathing, loneliness, lack of comfort or connection. The one thing that we all have, no matter what happens and who is around, is ourselves - if we can learn to be a good friend to ourselves, we carry with us a portable version of a compassionate, kind friend.
A lot of studies have been done on the comparison between self-compassion and self-esteem - and it seems that self-compassion has all of the benefits of self-esteem but without any of the downsides. Self-esteem tends to be felt by us when things are going well - but what about when you are low or hurting or have failed to achieve something? That’s where self-compassion comes into it’s own.
There are many common myths about self-compassion, such as thinking that if you fail to be hard on yourself, you won’t achieve as highly. The opposite has chosen to be true in fact - if you are kind and understanding to yourself, you are more likely to do better. It also gets it’s meaning mixed up with self-pity which is also not the case - at your core, we all want whats’s best for ourselves, and if that means encouraging ourselves on, OR going easier on ourselves, whatever is BEST for you.
Try this 2 minute self-compassion break by researcher Kristen Neff which embodies what self-compassion is about. It may feel strange at first because you are so un-used to feeling kindness towards yourself.
Recall a situation that you are struggling with right now. Say to yourself “this is hard” or “this really sucks”, or whatever feels right for you.
Acknowledge that all people suffer on some level - this allows us to not feel so alone in our suffering - something like “all people struggle at times” or “I’m not the only one to suffer in this way”.
Say to yourself whatever it is that you need to say in this moment. It could be “I’m doing my best but it’s so hard” or “I will get another chance soon” or “it’s hard when it seems like no -one has time for me”.
That short exercise encompasses the three elements of self-compassion - self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
I have had to get really good at self-compassion lately and I can confirm that it makes a huge difference to how you can view situations. When you are a good friend to yourself that offers kind words that are free of harsh judgements, it can support you to face challenges in your life.
To read more on this concept, see Dr. Kristen Neff’s website, www.self-compassion.org or read one of her excellent books.