Values - inside and out
Values - inside and out
Most people know roughly what values are - either you’ve had experience seeking your own values, or you’ve heard me banging on about them. Either way, you need to know that a life that involves you living close to your values gives you a stable foundation with which to deal with the hard stuff in life when it comes along. Having a sense of self through your values can protect against anxiety and depression - and is a great problem solver when you are faced with a difficult decision - almost every time, whatever you choose to do to solve that problem, as long as it aligns to your values, you are unlikely to regret it.
What I haven’t written about before though, is that there are two different types of values.
Intrinsic values: qualities that are important to us that come from within us - loyalty, humour, compassion, adventure etc. These values can be lived from inside of you regardless of what people/possessions/property are around you. They give you a sense of accomplishment and that you are living “your best life”.
Extrinsic values: these are values that are almost fully dependant on the outside world. How flash your car is, how much property you own, how good you feel after drinking/eating/drugs, getting compliments from other people, social media approval etc.
Everybody exists on a spectrum of how much each of these things matter to us. The trouble is that with extrinsic values, we have little control over a lot of them, and the more we fall back on these values, the less importance we place on the intrinsic values. This is known at the see-saw effect. So, the more you come to rely on social media likes, alcohol to feel good and having new “stuff” all around you, the less the real things will matter to you. And even worse news, extrinsic values can never be fully obtained - there will never be a time that you will think to yourself “I have enough adoration from other now so I can stop seeking it”. It never ends. I liken it to quenching a dying thirst with beer - it feels good and gratifying in the moment, but ultimately you’ll end up even more dehydrated and need more and more. Intrinsic values are like drinking a litre of mineral water over ice with a twist of lime.
See my article about living values for more information.